So, it’s 2am & I have nothing to do. I guess I’ll take some time & explain a little bit about myself. I’m 13, almost 14 & I live in Iowa. I’ve struggled with depression for 3 years. Ever since 5th grade, I don’t remember being truly happy for a long period of time. I was 10 years old when I first self-harmed. They were merely cat-like scratches but, as the time has passed, that’s not enough anymore. The cuts have gotten deeper, maybe because my emotional pain has gotten worse as well. I’m constantly afraid. Afraid of what’s gonna happen next. I always overthink everything, giving myself more things to worry about. 5th grade was the beginning of a new school. I didn’t get along with most kids. I didn’t exactly fit in with them. Looking back on them now, I realize those girls are now the school whores. & the guys are your typical douchebag. I was picked on & teased. I didn’t understand why. It also seemed that my teacher wasn’t too crazy about me either. She always found a way to embarrass me in front of the whole class. In 6th grade, her husband left her, lol. But enough about her. After what seemed like forever, 6th grade was finally here. I can’t say it was an amazing year, but it was a bit better than 5th. By now, I had about 5 close friends & that was all I needed. This was the year when one of my best friends ran away from home multiple times. The year when she moved away. We still keep in touch though, & she’ll be moving back soon. 6th grade was quickly over & summer was here. I made a lot of new memories, and things seemed to be okay. Then, 7th grade came. This has got to be, by far, the worst year. Not school-wise this time though. School, for the first time, was good. I met so many new people & I never felt alone during the day. But, I’m that type of girl who can keep a smile on her face around other people. The type who bottles everything up until she’s alone. The self-harming became a daily thing. At this point, it was my only relief. I made a lot of mistakes. I lost my parents’ trust. I had to listen to my mom constantly yell at me, telling me she wished i was different. She compared me to other girls. Making me feel as if i werent good enough. Telling me she was no longer proud of me. I had let my mom down. The person i never thought would give up on me. My dad’s side of the family now hates me. Not that they ever LIKED me. But, i dont keep in touch with them anymore. My depression got worse. Even when i was around people, i would feel alone. I felt out of place, like this wasnt where i was supposed to be. I had let everyone down, i had pushed people away. My best friend of 5 years told me i disgusted her. She said she hated who i’d become. I told her i disgusted myself as well. And that i too, hated myself. I truly felt like no one cared, so i stopped reaching out to people. I didnt depend on anyone anymore, i was on my own. Because, at the end of the day, you yourself are the only person truly there. This was the year I attempted suicide. First in March, then in April again. In tears, I lay on my bed. A glass of water & multiple kinds of pills. Tylenol, Excederin, my mom’s blood pressure medication, anything I could find. One after another, until the burning in my stomach was almost unbearable. Until I blacked out. 5 hours later, I woke up with the worst physical pain I’ve ever felt. My stomach felt as if it were on fire, I was puking non-stop. I can definitely say I was disappointed with the fact that I was still alive. I had failed. Still forced to deal with everything around me. So, one month later, I tried again. Failing AGAIN. There wasn’t a night where I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep. At times, I get so anxious, that I shake uncontrollably while crying. I sit & wonder if it will ever truly get better. I wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy again. Just a couple of weeks ago, my mom saw my cuts. I was wearing a tank top & completely forgot about the fresh wounds on my upper arm from the day before. You would probably imagine she would be concerned, that she would be there for me. This was not the case. Instead, she yelled at me, asking if I was on drugs. Calling me stupid for doing this to myself. She was unwilling to TRY & understand. A few days later, she found my blade. The yelling started all over again. That same day, I confessed to her about my suicide attempts a few months back. She asked me why I’d done it. She asked me why I didn’t appreciate everything my dad & she have done for me. She also asked me to explain to her why it was that I self-harmed. That, however, is something I can’t put into the right words. A person who’s never been through it, cannot simply understand why it is that it’s a way of relief for people like me. I’ll most likely be starting therapy soon. These past few days have been hell, with my parents finding out about everything. But, somehow, I’ve been able to shut myself off from everything. I haven’t cried in days, something unusual for me. For now, I know I know I’ll be okay. And staying strong is the best thing I can do. I’m so excited for summer & I plan to make it a good one :) xoxo

i’m so fucking done with people. i hate this town, irngirngrijgnwgr.

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